Dear Richard Madeley: My selfish stepdaughter constantly harangues my husband – what should we do?

My husband, who is in his 80s, is exhausted by it all, but fears she’ll blank him if he confronts her

My husband divorced his first wife before I knew him, when their daughter was 17. She then refused any communication with her mother, who has since died.
Thirty-four years on, she harangues her father during lengthy phone calls moaning about her life. If all is well, we hear nothing for weeks; other times it can be several times a day, speaking of divorce or moving house, none of which happens. 
My husband is in his 80s and finds this extremely wearing. He considers her to be – his words – selfish, spoilt and lazy. She used to work part time but now says her husband gets paid too much for it to be worth her while.
They live at a distance, so we see them just a few times a year. After her last visit, she rang with a list of things she disliked: the photos we had on display; the fact that we offered to take the children out so she could have time with her husband. We were both very upset.
My husband tries to reason with her, but she always sees herself as the victim. He is fearful that if he is too plain speaking, she will blank him as she did her mother. 
She now wants to visit again but I am uneasy about this and would prefer to meet halfway on neutral territory. My husband likes this option. However, when we mooted it we were accused of preventing her family from staying at our home.
How do we move forward?
— Gillian, via email
Summon every ounce of authority you have – encourage your husband to do the same – and tell this extremely unpleasant-sounding woman exactly where she gets off.
Email or write to her, so she can’t shout you down over the phone. Be crisp, clear and forceful. Take confidence from the fact that you are older, wiser and quite clearly better-intentioned than she is. 
It’s time to call the shots. Tell her you’ll happily meet her halfway on neutral ground. If she objects to that, then say you look forward to hearing any suggestions she may have.
The point, Gillian, is that you and your husband are clearly being bullied by his daughter. She is being extraordinarily rude and disrespectful to you both, as well as acting as a deeply selfish emotional drain on him. Given his advancing years, she should be ashamed of herself.
As I have said many times before, the only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them. So join forces with your husband, form a united front and confront this woman. She’s had things her own way for much too long. Enough.
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